Anbu Hotline
by kerrieleigh
Summary: In the not so peaceful village of Konohagakure someone had to take the calls that would save people's lives.
1. Prologue

This was written by myself (LE) and Lainana.

* * *

There was a problem within the Anbu. A very big, bad problem.

Although Konoha's anbu force consisted of many strong, intelligent and mentally unstable ninja, their numbers were simply too small for them to be everywhere at every moment. Thus, in order to rectify this serious problem, a meeting was called.

The meeting took place in a dark, dank room, in a dark dank corner which everyone would like to call the T&I's corner.

The Anbu squad leaders sat around a large circle table some anbu had stolen from the set of King Arthur mid-performance (the actors, too scared to confont the already clearly unhinged ninja, had simply continued the play, opting to pretend the strange incident never occured and that King Arthur never had a round table anyway).

"We need an Idea," Mouse, somewhat contradictoraly, spoke up, "An Idea so insane and genius it will put Hatake Kakashi to shame!"

"...What about Uchiha Itachi?" an unfortunate newly promoted Anbu asked. The gazes of every Anbu in the room quickly levelled on him.

"What about him?" Mouse replied.

"...Well... you inferred that Hatake was insane and a genius..."

Mouse blinked.

"...nevermind."

"Anyway," Mouse continued, "We need an Idea," several anbu raised their hands, "preferably one that does not include dancing in lycra suits, having mass juggling contests, dressing in drag or simply killing anyone who blinks to save us the trouble of guarding them."

All the hands dropped, except one.

"Yes?" Mouse prompted.

"What about mindless slaughter?" Beaver said.

"I believe that comes under 'simply killing anyone who blinks'. But thanks for the suggestion."

"No problem. Would you like a peanut?"

"Don't mind if i do."

And so, after many hours of discussion, debate and eating Beaver's peanuts, the Anbu Hotline was born. It would be the best idea ever to have sprung from the fertile minds of the Anbu corps - whenever a cat was stuck up a tree, whenever a damsel was in distress, whenever a genin team needed rescuing from a crazed Tora - the Anbu Hotline was the number to call.

Of course, not to say that Anbu would rescue the genin until the last minute. Tora was an angry beast when she didn't get her fill.

And frankly, some of the anbu were still scared of her... it.

There was also the fact that the Anbu might pawn off most of the emergency calls off onto unsuspecting Genin as well.

Goose seemed sure that Gai would love sudden express missions that must absolutely be good for the heart.


	2. Chapter 1

Written by myself (LE) and Lainana.

* * *

The red telephone sat conspicuously on a small table made of black pine. The Anbu operator stood beside it, anxiously anticipating the first call to be ever made to the Anbu Hotline.

RIIING~

"Hello, Anbu hotline. This is Monkey speaking. How can we help?"

"I'd like a medium -uh.. let me think."

There was sort of a pause moment that involved some staring in shock.

"I'm sorry?" Monkey spoke into the phone.

"Yeah a Medium cheese I think, how much will that come to?"

"What are you? I-I about 20 dallors bro."

"What!? you've got to be kidding me."

"We've got the fastest pizza delivery in Konoha Bud. Live with it."

"FINE! It'd better be here in 10. Be sure to deliver it to 353 Sakamoto street."

The Anbu sighed as he hung up the phone. Picking it up he phoned Liverfoot; the Anbu who accidentally stepped in some liver on the ground this one time.. Oh the good old days!

"Yo Liv, I need you to go steal a cheeze pizza for me. And get it to 353 Sakamoto street. If they don't wanna hand over the cash rough em' up a bit."

Ten minutes and six seconds later the phone rang again. Monkey picked it up.

"Hello, Anbu hotline. This is Monkey speaking. How can I help?"

"I said ten minutes! Where's my pizza you a-hole?! If you think I'm going to..."

The sound of a doorbell ringing interrupted the civilians rant.

"Just a minute..." Monkey heard the clank of the reciever being put down somewhere then the clicking of locks being undone. "About time!" the civilians angry shout easily echoed down the phone line, "What time do you call this you son of a bijuu?! If you think I'm paying for that pizza you're stupider than you look!... hey what are y..AHHH, NO, LET GO! OH MY GOD MY ARM, NO IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND THA-"

Monkey put down the phone, satisfied that Liverfoot had carried out his orders well.

It was evident later that Liverfoot spit on the pizza a bunch before going.

And that's why he was those six seconds late.


	3. Chapter 3

Written by Lainana and Ageant. Grammar corrected by me.

* * *

Today was a good day for Bull. His wife had fixed his favorite breakfast, his kids had been polite and respectful, and his dog had bought him his slippers and a copy of the paper. Hell, he even got to try his hand at phone duty, something so easy an idiot couldn't screw it up. Yep... today was going to be great.

Arriving at the secret Bull settled in, his feet on the desk chilling.

Oh this was the life. A day of relaxation.

Or so he thought.

The phone rang suddenly and shrilly. Startling Bull out of his daydream induced Stupor. His honed reflexes springing into action before his thoughts had even attempted to become coherent.

"ANBU Help line... this is Bull speaking, how can I be of assistance today?"

"Does she do anything?" asked the mysteriously boyish voice on the other side of the phone.

"W-what?" stuttered a confused Bull.

"Your wife. Does she do anything?"

"What are you talking about?! My wife is an amazing cook!"

"No no you idiot. Does she do anything for you, in bed."

"Miyabi.. is that you?"

"Miyabi it is, and Miyabi it isn't! Just answer the darn question you horned dope!"

"I refuse to air my dirty laundry on this kind of forum!"

"Don't you dare bring up dirty laundry to me! I just had to wash the skidmarks out of your tighty whiteys, so don't you even dare!"

"So it is you Miyabi! I'm hanging up! You crazy women!" And with a click bull settled back into peace.

About ten minutes later he was rewarded with his first official call. Or at least he would think it was.

"ANBU Emergency Assistance, this is Bull... how may I help you?"

"I... listen man, it's a bad scene here man. There are some dudes here man, and they are not kindly. The situation is FUBAR MAN. FUBAR!"

"Fubar? What the hell does that mean? speak japalish" He almost screamed into the phone.

"What are you a n00b or something? Dude."

"What the hell is a noob?" Asked the dumb man known as Bull.

"Dude... game SO NOT ON DUDE."

"What?"

"Sometimes I wonder why I..." the other person murmured.

"What? What did you say?"

"Listen... just forget it, we'll handle it ourselves ya friggan rookie."

"H-hey! I'm a two year veteren you daft punk!"

"That wasn't even a good reference guy. Bye!"

And then that dull beep-beep-beep resounded throug the speaker on the phone.

God damn. What the hell was that about?

"Man... this job sucks, it's almost no surprise that Monkey has an addiction to high grade pornography."

Berrrring....

"Ahhh, damn it!"

"ANBU Emergancy assistance and pizza deliver service, this is Bull speaking. How may I help you, or take your order?"

"Fukuto! Oh my god Fukuto Help! Our son! He- Oh god I can't even look at him anymore! He tried- tried to copy one of your Juice things and things went wrong! Oh god they went wrong!" Obviously tears were being spilled on the other line, tragic tears wails even.

But what Bull 'Fukuto' wanted to know was if they were Crocodile tears.

"Miyagi! Tell me what happened! We've got people who can help. BABY TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!"

"He... he poofed! Then there was a noise, he turned into Charlie, and now they're in the front yard. Oh God Fukoto."

Bull sighed.

"Dear, He's fine. that's just the clone technique. You could slap him upside the head and it would dispell." Bull was face-palming. His wife. Seriously.

"Oh dear, I guess... I guess I shouldn't have fed him that dog food then should I have?"

"Ah! It's fine it'll taste just like last nights dinner!"

"I HATE YOU FUKUTO!" screamed Miyagi her tears returning in full force.

And that was the end of Bull's time answering the phone for the Anbu's.


	4. Chapter 4

Written by Lainana and MegaB.

* * *

The hotline was getting pretty busy lately, as it was getting close to golden week and everyone was in frolick mode.

Snail was in the phone room with Slug waiting for calls.

There were two phones in there now. Because they were getting too many calls just for one person.

But yet as we glance into the room we see two people, with masks that just happened to fit their personalities.

It was at this point that Slug noticed that their phone was ringing.

"Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......Sssssssnail.......thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhe phooooone issssss ringggggggggg-ingggggggg."

Snail sort of looked at him funny.

The phone stopped ringing.

"Slug, was the phone just ringing?"

Slug was not amused by this development, but then again, given his speech patterns, even if he was it wasn't like he would've picked up the phone on time.

Luckily for them, it started to ring again. Snail picked it up and listened intently. Slug watched him from his drooping eyes.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN COMPYUUTA?! WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN HUH?! THIS IS AN ANBU HOTLINE! NOT YOUR GOD-DAMNED TRAIN STATION!"

"Oh so you're not asking about the train stations are you!? Well I don't care! Take you and your train stations else where!? HHUUU?!"

"Snnaaaill......."

"YEA!? Whudoyouwant?"

"........."

Snail turned around to see that Slug had fallen asleep. God damn what was he a Medic-nin for the mentally retarded?!, Snail thought to himself.

"Wake up you dumb invertebrate!"

Snail proceeded to shake Slug as hard as you can, which was a bit unpleasant given that his spit was flying everywhere.

"Guhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu~"

_'Yuck, this crap stinks....'_

And it was in this situation that the phone began to ring again.

Snail, being a snail, eventhought he wanted to answer the phone was only able to do one thing at a time.

So he was only able to concentrate on shaking Slug like a mother that hates her baby.

This is what Don-Anbu walked into. He was nonetheless surprised and a little frustrated.

But he raised his eyebrow because the situation called for it.

He was used to the pair's antics though and the phone was still ringing. So he picked it up for them.

"Hello, ANBU Hotline, how can I help?"

"Hi! Umm...I'm havving a beet of problem with my V-C-R."

Don frowned. He had absolutely no idea what a VCR was. But this was a hotline, and damned he would be if he didn't help the customer. It was part of their ANBU Hotline Nindo afterall.

"OK...what seems to be the problem with it?"

"The light is bleenking."

"The light is blinking?"

"The light is bleenking."

Don tapped a neatly clipped finger on the oak desk before him. When something doesn't work, what's the best way to fix it?

"OK, have you tried using scellotape on it?"

"Vot is thees Cellar-tape?"

"Not Cellar-tape, scellotape man, SCELLOTAPE!"

"Yess...I have no idea vhat you arrre talkeeng about."

Don sighed.

"OK, just try hitting it."

There was a dull thump on the other line and Don smiled to himself; another happy customer!

"....Thee light is steel bleenking."

"Maybe you didn't hit it hard enough?"

There was another dull thump, this one a lot louder.

"...Thee light is steel bleenking! DO YOU EVVEEN KNOW VHAT YOU ARRE TALKEENG ABOUT?! NOW LISTEN HEAR YOU! I KNOW I AM ROUND EYE, BUT RACISM NO GUT!"

Don scratched his head. He had no idea what this guy was going on about. Snail was giving him a weird look, so he tossed a thumbs-up and spoke into the receiver.

"You're obviously not hitting it hard enough."

There was a pause and then an even louder thump. Immediately following it, a loud, high-pitched scream tore through the speaker causing Don to wince. It was followed by something sounding like Kakashi-Senpai's Chidori tearing through flesh.

The line went quiet.

"Guess the light isn't blinking anymore huh?"

And with a smile on his face, he replaced the receiver on its hook.


End file.
